Fear of Failing

The fear of failing has been so strong and powerful lately. Every little step I take I wait for it to be the wrong one. Every mistake seems to be a huge failure. I can't seem to get past it or beyond it. It immobillizes me from doing anything, including living life. My life seems so blocked and my potential so far away - too impossible to reach. I have been stunted by such an age old lie, yet one I continue to believe in and as a result I continue to stunt my growth. I wish and pray that I could grow so much stronger and faster, but yet seem so unwilling to let go of what is destroying me. I don't want to die on the inside just so I can breathe out. The truth about depression is that you are just trying to exist and failure seems so close to reality that you can feel it breathing down your neck. You watch others around you, you watch their happy lives and the depression drags you down farther because you know that you are not at that stage of life. Jealousy and grief are mixed with guilt and shame. An endless circle of self-destruction ensues. You try to claw out of it - wishing that someone was there to help and you miss the hand that is grabbing on and holding on for dear life - not wanting you to fall down, the hand that is stopping you from slipping further into darkness. The struggle is often when you try to see the light but you are too scared to open your eyes. The fear that the lie might be truth after all - that you are nothing but a failure and will always be a failure.