Broken Love

I believe that you can’t help who you fall in love with – we may try and act like we have a choice in the matter, but I don’t think that we do. God said that it was not good for man to be alone. This I do believe – when left alone to our own defences, we wind up in trouble and damaged.
I met a guy online – though try as I did not to, I fell in love with him. He seemed to be able to read me so well – he knew exactly what to say to make me feel loved and wanted. He put on a performance that was outstanding and I believed every word he spoke to me, especially when he said that he loved me so much. I never thought that it could all be a lie – elaborate or not – since it does not occur to me to lie to others even when online. He spoke to my heart and touched my soul. I was beginning to seek God once more as a result of our relationship. We spoke of a future together – a future that we couldn’t wait to start and to celebrate. Even though we had never met in person – I believed with my whole heart that true love did exist and that I could find it.
Then the unspeakable happened – our fairytale love was smashed when his girlfriend that he was living with surfaced and told me to back off. A month of professing love and confessing total commitment was shattered. I was devastated to find out that he had flat out lied to me – he was not single, he did not live alone, he never intended to spend his future with me. My heart was broken and I lost the life that I had started to experience. My soul died and I have been numb ever since – I have not had the energy to try to enter back into life.
I hear his voice throughout the day – my heart aches for his touch and his love. I daydream – waiting for him to phone and apologize – that he truly did love me... Yet I try and tell myself not to wait – to stop breaking my heart over again. Can I love someone that I never even saw his face? Yet his voice speaks to me still – if he ever showed up in Moose Jaw I would fall in love with him all over again... I don’t want to look at other guys and move on – I want to love him and only him like I had confessed. I still cry and yearn for a guy that may have never loved me – I want to believe that he will still love me, that he will still yearn for me as I yearn for him. Can guys really just move on with no feelings after investing a month into a relationship – a month of energy and time – he was devoted to calling me just about every day or at least talking online.
I wanted to stay at a distance – I did not want to become needy. I feared being obsessive within the relationship – yet it feels I am more obsessive now that it has ended. I couldn’t stop thinking about him before and was teased at work for being absent-minded, now I can’t stop thinking about him and people wonder why I look so tired all the time. Emotional brokenness wears the body done even more than physical tiredness. I find myself crying at random times and just do not want to face the world anymore. It just seems like a reminder of what was stolen from me.
I have thought of cutting to try and feel again – as of yet, I haven’t gone that far. You are supposed to avoid places where you know you will be tempted – what do you do when you live alone and are tempted when you are by yourself or it is continually throughout the day? I want time off from work, but worry about what I will do with so much time by myself...
Why did he lie? Why did God let him destroy me so much – God knew what would happen, yet He let it happen anyways – how can I trust a God that almost seems to enjoy seeing me suffer or has no desire to stop my suffering? How can you believe in a loving God when you are never allowed to experience true love or love at all. Some people say that at least I know now what kind of man he is, but yet that does not take the pain away at all – it helps to add to it. How can I trust myself to ever fall in love with Mr Right when I had already believed and loved so deeply someone who turned out to be wrong. Funny thing - I had peace about the relationship – it felt right – for once I thought that I could finally fall in love and be loved in return. It was supposed to be my turn finally.
I don’t want to make him suffer – I just want to know why – what was truth – I don’t want to hate him – I know I became a different person because I changed – hopefully for the better. I have love to give, but no one to give it to – will anyone ever want my love? I want him to know God and how God sees him – I keep giving him over to God, but yet I still want to take him back and do what I know I cannot...

Presence of God

Do not remove your Holy Spirit from me, take not your presence from me – does God leave us? Is it Him leaving us or do we just walk away from him – walk away in fear, ignorance, shame? We have stood in shame before God from the beginning – Adam and Eve hid in shame – and we continue to hide in shame. What is shame? Cannot be from God – then there is only one other option for it to come from – Satan... Why do fear and shame have such a control over our lives if He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world? I don’t understand how the thoughts of shame, guilt and fear can be so overbearing when we have given our lives over to Christ? Does trust play a part in this... how do you trust a god that allows you to be tortured – even if it is by your own thoughts? God knows what goes on within our hearts – He knows us better than we know ourselves – why then are our thoughts cause such pain and suffering within our own hearts. I was told that God gives us desires that He will fulfill – yet I have had feelings that I did not want unless they were from Him. I believed that those feelings had to be from God since He did not remove them from my mind – yet they were left to hurt and destroy what I was trying to protect. Is God trustworthy if He allows you to suffer and be left for dead? Is it even right to ask these questions – cause if we don’t, then who will? The dirty/messy questions are out there... Leaves me to wonder that I am not a chosen one since He seems to hear the prayers of those around me but yet seems to ignore all mine. I know that sometimes the answer is no, not now and even yes – can they never be yes for someone? I have tried to pray in God’s will – but seem too empty, too broken to pray anymore. Prayers are to come from the heart – yet nothing can come from nothing. Creation happened from nothing – God spoke and it came into existence – yet where is the evidence of God within me – the light of the world that stepped out of darkness? If people only knew the demons that lived within – would they all just walk away? Would they all leave out of the fear of the truth...once the mask is removed you can never truly hide behind it again...yet when people walk away, you can’t help but wonder where God is if His people leave... Can a loving God leave one of His children alone in the darkness – would He not speak light into the darkness and force it to leave? If it meant saving them from pain and suffering? How can a God fearing Christian even ask such questions? Can doubt and faith co-exist? Is there room for doubt within ministry – can you lead or minister to others if you doubt and struggle with trusting God?
What can the root problem be? How do you trust when everyone else you were supposed to be able to trust walks away – only to prove to you that trust in others is useless and disappointing... What is trust then? Trust is not getting your own way but being able to rely on someone else to be there...

Alone in a crowded room

What is being alone really like – when God removed His Spirit from Christ on the cross – Jesus was utterly alone yet he still went on with the sacrifice – can we actually go on without God? Once something is set into motion – does that mean it cannot be stopped? We can be in a crowd of people yet feel so alone – sitting in a crowded church yet never so alone as in that moment. We think that when we have found that special someone that all will be amazing after that. Yet that is not true and we try living in denial of that fact while everything around us falls apart.
Some people pray for specific things but are disappointed when they do not happen. Some people don’t want to fall into that trap so they don’t ask for those specifics – does God not tell us that whatever we ask of him – he will give? But prayers remain unanswered – we cannot tell whether it is for now or if that is His final answer – how do you know when to persevere and when to just give up and accept that it is not meant to be. God gives us our feelings but we are not to rely on our feelings so we are not supposed to act on them – then why do we have them? Do not awaken love until it is ready – what happens when it is awaken but there is no one to receive it – no one there at all or no one willing to receive it. Live in a fantasy world where we can dream of better times – yet fantasy is not even supposed to be close to what reality is.
We can stare out the window and see God’s beauty in creation, where the change of seasons is God’s work of creating beauty over and over again – or we can look out the window and see bleakness and death as the green turns brown, skies cloud over with grey reminding us that life is on hold until next year. What determines what we see? Is a Christian always supposed to see the magic of the world? What if we don’t? Have we failed God somehow, have we failed the church? Are all nonbelievers only allowed to see death and emptiness out the window? How can it be reconciled if they see more beauty and awe in nature than a Christian. Has someone failed – if so then who? How? We can tell someone to feel better, think happy thoughts – yet this “help” can be the key to drive that person further in to darkness and depression. There is something considered wrong if you can’t be happy, be joyful, be in awe – even worse when you speak your pain out loud – wondering if anyone is listening – if they care enough to get dirty in your pain with you. Getting dirty is one of the things that I have noticed that scares Christians the most – nonchristians don’t seem to care, like they already know how to get dirty and are comfortable getting dirty with anyone and everyone – being dirty doesn’t scare them. Dirt scares the blood of Christ right off Christians it seems though – pain is scary and messy – what do we do with someone that is in pain and hurting. A non-Christian – you just bring them to Jesus!! Their pain taken care of – your problem solved. But the issue comes up when a fellow Christian is in pain – they already have Jesus yet their pain is not being taken care of – what the hell? I have found more safety and love with non-Christians than with Christians. Being near the church when in pain makes you so aware that your sleeves are never long enough to cover your scars – you shame is being broadcasted out loud and you can never be small enough to avoid the judging looks and the attacking whispers. Christ’s love is not found and pain is ridiculed beyond the breaking point – but don’t you dare break – only sinners do that – only sinners mess up – only sinners need someone to give a shit.

Fear of Failing

The fear of failing has been so strong and powerful lately. Every little step I take I wait for it to be the wrong one. Every mistake seems to be a huge failure. I can't seem to get past it or beyond it. It immobillizes me from doing anything, including living life. My life seems so blocked and my potential so far away - too impossible to reach. I have been stunted by such an age old lie, yet one I continue to believe in and as a result I continue to stunt my growth. I wish and pray that I could grow so much stronger and faster, but yet seem so unwilling to let go of what is destroying me. I don't want to die on the inside just so I can breathe out. The truth about depression is that you are just trying to exist and failure seems so close to reality that you can feel it breathing down your neck. You watch others around you, you watch their happy lives and the depression drags you down farther because you know that you are not at that stage of life. Jealousy and grief are mixed with guilt and shame. An endless circle of self-destruction ensues. You try to claw out of it - wishing that someone was there to help and you miss the hand that is grabbing on and holding on for dear life - not wanting you to fall down, the hand that is stopping you from slipping further into darkness. The struggle is often when you try to see the light but you are too scared to open your eyes. The fear that the lie might be truth after all - that you are nothing but a failure and will always be a failure.

I am cut

The blade calls out - beckoning me to come - I know it is wrong yet the desire is strong - have I no will - have I no strength - what does a blade do to help - it gives voice to the pain and the hurt - it speaks out for the unsaid words and for the unfelt emotions - not everyone can hear it calling out - but those that hear cannot pull away - it seems so insignificant to others yet it is life to those who answer its cry - nothing washes away the pain - the cut releases the inner screaming - the screaming that no one wants to hear - the scream will not go away - the blade and the scream seem to co-exist - hard to imagine life any other way - the blade kills inside - yet no life without the cut
The bloods comes out and warms the skin - the sensation of relief sweeps over the body - freedom is gained as the wall of pain is broken down - what can possibly be freeing about blood pouring out of a wound? - yet we receive freedom when Christ bled for us - His blood has set us free and we are seen whole through the blood of the lamb - God loves me despite my scars - He loves me because of my scars - what kind of love is this that loves through the blood - that loves through the pain - it is intimate and intense - indescribable and life to those who receive it - help me to receive it God - help me to let you love me with all your heart - may my cup overflow with undying love for you.

Painful Waiting

We are supposed to wait for God's timing in our life. What happens when waiting on God seems so painful? So painful - that you're not sure if you keep waiting - like you are coming to the end of your rope? The Bible says that Christ's burden is light and easy - the who's burden am I carrying then? Because it sure does not feel very light!! As for as I know I have given it all to God so it should be His right? How can you tell if it is God's burden or not? Cause I sure do not want to be carrying something that I don't need to be carrying. I don't want to be smothered needlessly. If God knows where we are and how we suffer than how how come He doesn't lead us out of a mess that can only damage us when we don't know what else to do. I choose to harm myself because I can't see God and don't know what else to do in that moment - why does he leave me there instead of revealing Himself? I scream out to Him yet I feel left alone and abandoned. Where is the peace of Christ?

Groans of life

Maybe I'm crazy or painfully shy, but these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye
*Cut by Plumb*

She breathes in, she breathes out, she wakes up and lays down. She can hardly speak and so she screams
*Manic by Plumb*

Obliterate the day I was born. Blank out the night I was conceived! Let it be a black hole in space. May God above forget it ever happened. Erase it from the books! ... Why didn't I die at birth, my first breath out of the womb my last? ... I could be resting in peace right now, asleep forever, feeling no pain. ... What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning? ... No rest for me, ever - death has invaded life ... There's nothing to my life - it's nothing but smoke ... Somehow, though he moves right in front of me, I don't see him; quietly but surely he's active, and I miss it ... I can't stand my life - I hate it! I'm putting it all out on the table, all the bitterness of my life - I'm holding back nothing ... I wish I'd never lived - a stillborn, buried without ever having breathed ... My spirit is broken, my days used up, my grave dug and waiting ... I can hardly see from crying so much; I'm nothing but skin and bones ... Why do you insist on putting me down, using my troubles as a stick to beat me? ... He destroyed my reputation, robbed me of all self-respect. He tore me apart piece by piece - I'm ruined! Then he yanked my out hope by the roots ... What hope do people without God have when life is cut short? When God puts an end to life? ... God always answers, one way or another, even when people don't recognize his presence.
*Excerpts from Job, The Message*