Alone in a crowded room

What is being alone really like – when God removed His Spirit from Christ on the cross – Jesus was utterly alone yet he still went on with the sacrifice – can we actually go on without God? Once something is set into motion – does that mean it cannot be stopped? We can be in a crowd of people yet feel so alone – sitting in a crowded church yet never so alone as in that moment. We think that when we have found that special someone that all will be amazing after that. Yet that is not true and we try living in denial of that fact while everything around us falls apart.
Some people pray for specific things but are disappointed when they do not happen. Some people don’t want to fall into that trap so they don’t ask for those specifics – does God not tell us that whatever we ask of him – he will give? But prayers remain unanswered – we cannot tell whether it is for now or if that is His final answer – how do you know when to persevere and when to just give up and accept that it is not meant to be. God gives us our feelings but we are not to rely on our feelings so we are not supposed to act on them – then why do we have them? Do not awaken love until it is ready – what happens when it is awaken but there is no one to receive it – no one there at all or no one willing to receive it. Live in a fantasy world where we can dream of better times – yet fantasy is not even supposed to be close to what reality is.
We can stare out the window and see God’s beauty in creation, where the change of seasons is God’s work of creating beauty over and over again – or we can look out the window and see bleakness and death as the green turns brown, skies cloud over with grey reminding us that life is on hold until next year. What determines what we see? Is a Christian always supposed to see the magic of the world? What if we don’t? Have we failed God somehow, have we failed the church? Are all nonbelievers only allowed to see death and emptiness out the window? How can it be reconciled if they see more beauty and awe in nature than a Christian. Has someone failed – if so then who? How? We can tell someone to feel better, think happy thoughts – yet this “help” can be the key to drive that person further in to darkness and depression. There is something considered wrong if you can’t be happy, be joyful, be in awe – even worse when you speak your pain out loud – wondering if anyone is listening – if they care enough to get dirty in your pain with you. Getting dirty is one of the things that I have noticed that scares Christians the most – nonchristians don’t seem to care, like they already know how to get dirty and are comfortable getting dirty with anyone and everyone – being dirty doesn’t scare them. Dirt scares the blood of Christ right off Christians it seems though – pain is scary and messy – what do we do with someone that is in pain and hurting. A non-Christian – you just bring them to Jesus!! Their pain taken care of – your problem solved. But the issue comes up when a fellow Christian is in pain – they already have Jesus yet their pain is not being taken care of – what the hell? I have found more safety and love with non-Christians than with Christians. Being near the church when in pain makes you so aware that your sleeves are never long enough to cover your scars – you shame is being broadcasted out loud and you can never be small enough to avoid the judging looks and the attacking whispers. Christ’s love is not found and pain is ridiculed beyond the breaking point – but don’t you dare break – only sinners do that – only sinners mess up – only sinners need someone to give a shit.