Painful Waiting

We are supposed to wait for God's timing in our life. What happens when waiting on God seems so painful? So painful - that you're not sure if you keep waiting - like you are coming to the end of your rope? The Bible says that Christ's burden is light and easy - the who's burden am I carrying then? Because it sure does not feel very light!! As for as I know I have given it all to God so it should be His right? How can you tell if it is God's burden or not? Cause I sure do not want to be carrying something that I don't need to be carrying. I don't want to be smothered needlessly. If God knows where we are and how we suffer than how how come He doesn't lead us out of a mess that can only damage us when we don't know what else to do. I choose to harm myself because I can't see God and don't know what else to do in that moment - why does he leave me there instead of revealing Himself? I scream out to Him yet I feel left alone and abandoned. Where is the peace of Christ?

Groans of life

Maybe I'm crazy or painfully shy, but these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye
*Cut by Plumb*

She breathes in, she breathes out, she wakes up and lays down. She can hardly speak and so she screams
*Manic by Plumb*

Obliterate the day I was born. Blank out the night I was conceived! Let it be a black hole in space. May God above forget it ever happened. Erase it from the books! ... Why didn't I die at birth, my first breath out of the womb my last? ... I could be resting in peace right now, asleep forever, feeling no pain. ... What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning? ... No rest for me, ever - death has invaded life ... There's nothing to my life - it's nothing but smoke ... Somehow, though he moves right in front of me, I don't see him; quietly but surely he's active, and I miss it ... I can't stand my life - I hate it! I'm putting it all out on the table, all the bitterness of my life - I'm holding back nothing ... I wish I'd never lived - a stillborn, buried without ever having breathed ... My spirit is broken, my days used up, my grave dug and waiting ... I can hardly see from crying so much; I'm nothing but skin and bones ... Why do you insist on putting me down, using my troubles as a stick to beat me? ... He destroyed my reputation, robbed me of all self-respect. He tore me apart piece by piece - I'm ruined! Then he yanked my out hope by the roots ... What hope do people without God have when life is cut short? When God puts an end to life? ... God always answers, one way or another, even when people don't recognize his presence.
*Excerpts from Job, The Message*

Finding Love in all the Wrong Places

Finding love in all the wrong places - that's what it feels like - yet I am single with no prospect in the near future. My heart breaks at the thought of another Valentine's Day coming with no one to share it with. I will be on a road trip with my mom, but will still be alone. I don't want to mope around but I feel so empty inside. I plead with God that I don't want to feel this way - that I just want Him. It is like Paul said - do what I don't want to do and what I want to do, I don't.
I'm starting a new chapter within my life as part of leadership within my church - 1st meeting tonight. Much more will be expected of me - yet I'm not sure if I have anything to give. How can I give to my church if I feel so stifled and bound?
Song of Solomon says not to awaken love before it is ready - so what do you do when you are not ready when love is awaken within you. Where do you focus your energy towards? I've tried focusing the energy and emotions towards God but it just doesn't seem to help any. They still seem to overwhelm me and drown me. Can you drown within your emotions? I don't know how else to describe it but that I am drowning and I can't seem to breathe or rest within the bosom of Jesus. We are encouraged to rest within the arms of Christ but what do you do when you can't see Christ. Or maybe the question should be how do you rest in Jesus? The problem is that there is no magic answer or magic formula that will work. Everyone has to discover how on their own. But how do you know you are doing it right? I wish I had the faith to step out of the boat and to walk on water - but I'm scared that no one will catch me if I do falter and lose my focus. That just makes me wonder if I have any faith at all then - maybe that is why I can't find love - true love - fulfilling love - agape

A Woman's Worth

I found out tonight that my dad is getting married to the woman that he left my mom for. My reaction was horror and disgust - as I drove home I just wanted to throw up. Yes my mom is remarried and moving on and yes we have all moved on with our lives - but the idea of my dad getting married makes me sick. I felt so sick when I found out that my mom was getting married about a year ago made me so sick I couldn't even sit through the church service we were at. I spent the entire service sitting outside with a friend just randomly crying my eyes out. I'm not sure if the pain of my parents separation will ever go away - the reminder seems to hurt even more when they get remarried. Other people can handle their parents getting remarried - but it seems to completely destroy me. I want to say that it is God placing those feelings within me - that such a strong initial reaction cannot be from me but from God.
I feel such a strong reaction in regards to a certain guy that I like but does not like me in return - I thought that I was getting over him but at the slightest thought that he may have a girlfriend or at least an interest makes me feel sick - I hoped it would release me from the intense feelings that I have for him - yet it doesn't.
Maybe I am just tired of being alone and single - for 30 years I've been by myself - yet God has been with me the entire time. I wish I could see him in these lonely times - and understand my worth in His eyes. God sees me as perfect through Christ's blood and worthy of Christ's sacrifice - yet I don't believe that I am worth the sacrifice - that I let God down by not being good enough. It breaks my heart to think that Christ's sacrifice may have been a waste on me. How do you break such ingrained lies? I know they are lies but that does not stop me from believing in them - I wish it would.

Mystery of God

My church has started a discussion recently on the mystery of God and what that entails - what is expected as a response from us. To me mystery can be scary - it is hard to place trust in something or someone that is unknown - at least it is for me - how can I be sure. Maybe that is part of the journey and the growth of faith - being stretched by trusting the unknown. I would rather place my trust in something that is seen - something that is tangible - yet that is what got the Israelites in trouble while Moses was receiving the 10 Commandments. They wanted a God that they could see and touch - something that seems like common sense to us but a huge insult to God. Maybe that is what faith is - its not common sense -at least not in the way that we consider common sense. Is that really a bad thing though? Now-a-days common sense doesn't seem very common. I have family and friends that try to wrap their mind around my faith in God that they can't see - very much a mystery. What kind of relationship can that be - yet it is the most significant relationship that someone could have. I know that I probably would not be here if it was not for God's hand in my life - one way or another - yet I can't explain my faith when I struggle with seeing God's presence in my life. A mystery that I wonder if we are ever supposed to understand.
Yet a part of me is stirred within the mystery and wanting to see what that mystery reveals. I don't think that it is ever possible to fully understand the mystery of God when He is infinite - cause if He is infinite then can His mystery ever end? Yet is it up to us to enjoy the adventure of God's mystery and to understand what we can - being ever spurned on to try and learn more since we can never know too much of God? A never ending story of love, passion and mystery - isn't that what makes a good story that we can all enjoy?

Trying to listen

I have been finding it so hard to hear the still small voice of God when I am by myself. Yet spending time with others I can be encouraged that God is working in my life. They are able to stand from the outside and see God's hand over my life and how He blesses me over and over again. When you are walking through the valley of darkness it is so hard to see any light breaking through. It is not like I am trying to be extremely spiritual or not - but unless I can relate my life somehow to God - I get completely and totally lost. I know my life is in God's hands and that I can do nothing without Him - yet I still feel lost and alone - even though God never leaves me. If God never leaves me then why do I feel so alone?
Why does it get so hard to hear God - when all I feel like I can do is cry out to Him? The Bible says that if you seek God with all your heart He will hear and listen - that He yearns to bless us with good things. I believe that I am doing that yet I still feel like I am drowning - I can not go on without Him - yet how can I move on when I can't see Him? Brother Lawrence spent much of his early career at the monastary in misery and depression - do I need to spend 10 yrs in depression as well? What if I don't think that I can survive that long without the warmth of God's embrace. Yet maybe that is why we have friends in our lives - God embraces me through them and I just need to learn how to tap those resources much more efficiently - it seems that if I get turned down by one person that my heart can't bear the possibility of being turned down by someone else. My identity is linked to how I perceive that others see me and not by the voice of truth that tells me a different story.