Broken Love

I believe that you can’t help who you fall in love with – we may try and act like we have a choice in the matter, but I don’t think that we do. God said that it was not good for man to be alone. This I do believe – when left alone to our own defences, we wind up in trouble and damaged.
I met a guy online – though try as I did not to, I fell in love with him. He seemed to be able to read me so well – he knew exactly what to say to make me feel loved and wanted. He put on a performance that was outstanding and I believed every word he spoke to me, especially when he said that he loved me so much. I never thought that it could all be a lie – elaborate or not – since it does not occur to me to lie to others even when online. He spoke to my heart and touched my soul. I was beginning to seek God once more as a result of our relationship. We spoke of a future together – a future that we couldn’t wait to start and to celebrate. Even though we had never met in person – I believed with my whole heart that true love did exist and that I could find it.
Then the unspeakable happened – our fairytale love was smashed when his girlfriend that he was living with surfaced and told me to back off. A month of professing love and confessing total commitment was shattered. I was devastated to find out that he had flat out lied to me – he was not single, he did not live alone, he never intended to spend his future with me. My heart was broken and I lost the life that I had started to experience. My soul died and I have been numb ever since – I have not had the energy to try to enter back into life.
I hear his voice throughout the day – my heart aches for his touch and his love. I daydream – waiting for him to phone and apologize – that he truly did love me... Yet I try and tell myself not to wait – to stop breaking my heart over again. Can I love someone that I never even saw his face? Yet his voice speaks to me still – if he ever showed up in Moose Jaw I would fall in love with him all over again... I don’t want to look at other guys and move on – I want to love him and only him like I had confessed. I still cry and yearn for a guy that may have never loved me – I want to believe that he will still love me, that he will still yearn for me as I yearn for him. Can guys really just move on with no feelings after investing a month into a relationship – a month of energy and time – he was devoted to calling me just about every day or at least talking online.
I wanted to stay at a distance – I did not want to become needy. I feared being obsessive within the relationship – yet it feels I am more obsessive now that it has ended. I couldn’t stop thinking about him before and was teased at work for being absent-minded, now I can’t stop thinking about him and people wonder why I look so tired all the time. Emotional brokenness wears the body done even more than physical tiredness. I find myself crying at random times and just do not want to face the world anymore. It just seems like a reminder of what was stolen from me.
I have thought of cutting to try and feel again – as of yet, I haven’t gone that far. You are supposed to avoid places where you know you will be tempted – what do you do when you live alone and are tempted when you are by yourself or it is continually throughout the day? I want time off from work, but worry about what I will do with so much time by myself...
Why did he lie? Why did God let him destroy me so much – God knew what would happen, yet He let it happen anyways – how can I trust a God that almost seems to enjoy seeing me suffer or has no desire to stop my suffering? How can you believe in a loving God when you are never allowed to experience true love or love at all. Some people say that at least I know now what kind of man he is, but yet that does not take the pain away at all – it helps to add to it. How can I trust myself to ever fall in love with Mr Right when I had already believed and loved so deeply someone who turned out to be wrong. Funny thing - I had peace about the relationship – it felt right – for once I thought that I could finally fall in love and be loved in return. It was supposed to be my turn finally.
I don’t want to make him suffer – I just want to know why – what was truth – I don’t want to hate him – I know I became a different person because I changed – hopefully for the better. I have love to give, but no one to give it to – will anyone ever want my love? I want him to know God and how God sees him – I keep giving him over to God, but yet I still want to take him back and do what I know I cannot...